Weddings, first communions (comuniones) and funerals: what to do

Terms used

• Lista de bodas — The lista de bodas is a gift list a couple sets up so guests can choose or contribute to a present.
• Tocado — A tocado is a small decorative headpiece that women wear at day weddings.
• Barra libre — The barra libre is the open bar served after the banquet at a wedding.
• Recena — A recena is a late-night snack served near the end of a wedding party.
• Esquela — An esquela is a death notice that gives the time and place of the visit and funeral.
• Tanatorio — A tanatorio is a funeral home with private family rooms where the wake is held.
• Velatorio — The velatorio is the wake, when friends visit the family before the funeral.

Key rules

• Wedding gift: Hand over cash in an envelope rather than a wrapped present, unless the couple gives a gift list.
• Dress: Never wear white to a wedding or a communion, and keep funeral clothes dark and sober.
• Wedding length: Arrive on time but plan for a very long day, because many guests stay until 3 to 6 am.
• Funeral visit: Greet the close family, say your condolences and keep the visit short.

Weddings: cash in an envelope, smart clothes, a long day

Give cash in an envelope. It is the usual wedding gift. Some couples ask for a contribution to a gift list (lista de bodas) or give an account number for a transfer. Follow the invitation if it says so.

A typical gift is 50 to 150 euros per person. Couples often give 100 to 200 euros in total. Close family give more. The amount also depends on how expensive the venue is, how close you are to the couple and your region.

What to wear. Dress smartly and read the invitation for a dress code.

• Men: a suit and tie. For a summer or informal wedding, a suit without a tie is fine. Morning dress is rare.
• Women: a cocktail or elegant dress, a jumpsuit or a skirt set, often with heels. At day weddings some women wear a headpiece (tocado) or a hat.
• Avoid white. Avoid black unless it looks stylish.

Timing. Weddings are usually on Saturdays, often between May and October. Invitations go out months ahead, and children are often invited. The ceremony commonly starts between noon and 6 pm. A civil ceremony is short. A church ceremony with Mass lasts about 45 to 60 minutes.

Arrive on time, even if the start slips by 15 to 30 minutes.

After the ceremony the day usually runs like this:

1. A cocktail hour.
2. A long seated banquet of several courses.
3. Cake, then an open bar (barra libre) and dancing.
4. Often a late snack, such as chocolate with churros or a recena.

Many guests stay until 3 to 6 am.

First communions (comuniones)

Give cash in a card or an envelope. Guests typically give 30 to 100 euros, and close family give more. Relatives often give the bigger gifts. Other common gifts are a watch, a religious medal or cross, books, a bicycle, a tablet or an experience.

Dress is smart-casual to smart, a little less formal than at a wedding.

• Men: a jacket, or a shirt with trousers, often without a tie.
• Women: a dress or elegant outfit, usually light in spring.
• Everyone: avoid white. The children taking communion wear formal white or traditional outfits.

Funerals: visit, service and what to say

Check the death notice (esquela) in the press or on social media. It gives the time and place. Death notices are also how most people hear about it.

The tanatorio visit. The wake (velatorio) is held at a tanatorio, a funeral home with private family rooms. It usually happens within 24 to 48 hours of the death.

• Visit during open hours and greet the close family.
• Offer a handshake, a kiss or a hug.
• Stay briefly, often 15 to 30 minutes. Some people wait in the corridor or cafeteria.
• Keep your phone away and stay quiet.
• You can sign the condolence book. You can also send flowers or a wreath.

The funeral. It often follows the next day. It is a Catholic Mass at a church or a ceremony at the tanatorio, then burial or cremation. Many people go only to the visit or only to the service. Both are fine.

What to wear. Wear sober, dark clothes such as black, navy or grey. Men usually wear a suit or jacket. Women wear a modest dress or trousers. Avoid bright colours, shorts, beachwear and flashy items. Black is not compulsory. At a tanatorio visit, dark smart-casual is accepted. Rural and older communities are more formal.

What to say. The standard phrase is "Te acompañ​o en el sentimiento". With older or formal contacts use "Le acompaño en el sentimiento". Other options:

• "Mi más sentido pésame"
• "Lo siento mucho"
• "Estamos contigo"
• "Si necesitas algo, aquí estoy"

Keep it short and sincere. The usual reply is "Gracias por venir".

Checklist

• Read the invitation for any dress code before you choose your outfit.

• Wear a smart suit or a cocktail or elegant dress to a wedding, and avoid white.

• Put your cash gift in an envelope, around 50 to 150 euros per person for a wedding.

• Plan for a long day: a seated banquet, dancing and often a stay until 3 to 6 am.

• Check the death notice (esquela) for the time and place of the tanatorio visit and the funeral.

• Greet the close family at the tanatorio, say "Te acompaño en el sentimiento" and stay about 15 to 30 minutes.

• Keep your phone away and stay quiet and respectful during the visit and the service.

Frequently asked questions

Can I give a bank transfer instead of cash at a wedding?

Yes, a transfer to the couple's account is accepted, but only if the couple has given you an account number. Some couples ask for a contribution to a gift list (lista de bodas) instead, so check the invitation first.

How long should I stay at a tanatorio visit?

Plan to stay about 15 to 30 minutes at a tanatorio visit. Greet the close family, offer your condolences and sign the condolence book if there is one. The death notice (esquela) gives the time and place.

Do I have to wear black to a funeral in Spain?

No, black is not compulsory, but you should wear dark, sober colours such as navy or grey.

What do I say to the family at a funeral?

The standard phrase is "Te acompañar en el sentimiento", or "Le acompaño en el sentimiento" with older or formal contacts. Keep it short and sincere, with a handshake, hug or kiss on the cheek.

What should I wear to a first communion compared with a wedding?

Dress a little less formally than for a wedding: smart-casual to smart, with a dress or elegant outfit, or a jacket without a tie. Avoid white, because the communicants wear it. For a first communion, a card or envelope with 30 to 100 euros is typical, and close family give more.