Why each of you hits a low at a different time

Terms used

• Cita previa — A cita previa is the appointment you must book in advance for many public offices in Spain.
• NIE — The NIE is the foreigner identification number used for tax, work, housing and other paperwork in Spain.
• TIE — The TIE is the physical residence card issued to foreigners who live in Spain.
• Padrón — The padrón is the town hall register of where you live, often needed for other procedures.
• Orientador — The orientador is the school counsellor who supports pupils' wellbeing and learning.

Key rules

• Mismatch: Family members hit lows at different times, and this is normal, not a fault.
• Child warning window: Get help from the teacher or pediatrician if a child's signs last beyond 2-3 months or get worse.
• Who is most exposed: The partner at home and teenagers are often hit later or harder than the working partner and younger children.
• Urgent help: Any talk of self-harm or suicide needs immediate help.

Different lows at different times are normal

Each of you will adapt on a different curve. One person can feel great while another is struggling. That is not a fault in the move or in your family. It is how settling in works.

The usual pattern, and why it is only a rough guide

Many people go through four stages:

• Honeymoon: everything is new and exciting. It lasts from the first days to a few months.
• Low (culture shock): the novelty fades and daily friction builds. It often hits somewhere between months 2 and 9.
• Recovery: things start to feel manageable, often between months 6 and 12.
• Adaptation: Spain starts to feel like home.

Treat these timings as rough. Many people do not follow a neat curve. You may have several ups and downs, and that is normal too.

Why your lows will not line up

Your daily exposure to Spain differs, so your timing differs.

• The partner who works usually has structure, colleagues and a clear purpose from day one. A low may come later, or more mildly.
• The partner who does not work often handles the paperwork, housing and daily tasks alone. They have less social contact and less chance to practise Spanish. Their low tends to come later and last longer.
• Younger children get school routine, classmates and fast language exposure. They often seem to cope well, then dip once the novelty fades or at a change, such as a new school year.
• Teenagers lose a social network they built over years. They often struggle more than younger children.

Personality, age, language level, expectations and whether the move was your own choice all shift the timing as well.

Spanish triggers that often start a low

These are common, so you can expect them:

• Paperwork: hard-to-get appointments (cita previa), delays, and needing an NIE, a TIE and the padrón for almost everything.
• Language: this is harder in places where a regional language is widely used, such as Catalonia, Valencia, Galicia and the Basque Country.
• A different daily rhythm: late meals, shops closed in the middle of the day, late evenings.
• August: offices slow down and neighbours go away.
• Long summer school holidays: these are hard if you have no childcare.
• Loneliness: making local friends takes time.
• Work pace: replies can be slower and the workplace culture different.
• Winter: in some places, homes are cold and unheated.
• The end of the holiday feeling: the move stops feeling like a trip.

What is normal in a child, and what is not

Tiredness, mood swings, clinginess, irritability, changes in sleep or appetite, homesickness, reluctance about school, and slipping back to earlier habits such as bedwetting are all common. They usually ease within a few weeks to a few months.

Get help if signs last beyond 2-3 months or get worse. Get help sooner for any of these:

• refusing to go to school over a long period
• pulling away from all friends and activities
• frequent stomach aches or headaches with no cause
• severe anxiety or panic
• aggression
• low mood that does not lift, or loss of interest in things
• weeks of disrupted sleep
• a drop in school results

Start with the teacher or the school counsellor (orientador), and with your pediatrician. If your child talks about self-harm or suicide, get help immediately.

What to do about the mismatch

Say out loud that you will not all feel the same at the same time. Do not read someone else's good mood as a sign that your low is wrong. Plan regular check-ins using the planner below. If one of you is struggling while the others are fine, the "what if" below covers it.

Family check-in planner for months one, three, six and twelve

Family check-ins in the first year

• Month 1 check-in: sit down together and ask each person what is hardest and what is going well: About 1 month after you arrive, once the school year has started (it usually starts in the first half of September) (recommended 30 days after entry date)

• Month 3 check-in: ask about school or work, money and mood, and whether anyone's low has lasted: About 3 months after you arrive, ideally before the Christmas break (about 22 or 23 December to 6 or 7 January) (recommended 90 days after entry date)

• Month 6 check-in: review friendships, language progress, budget and who is carrying the most load: About 6 months after you arrive, around Easter week or just after it (recommended 180 days after entry date)

• Month 12 check-in: decide together whether the move is working and what to change for next year: About 12 months after you arrive, before the school year ends around 19 to 24 June or before it starts again in September (recommended 365 days after entry date)

• Ask the same questions each time: how is your sleep and mood, how is school or work, are you making friends, is money tight, what would help this month: At every check-in

• Act on a warning sign: book the GP or pediatrician if low mood or worry affects daily life or is getting worse: If a problem lasts beyond a few weeks, or at the next check-in at the latest

School dates differ by region and year, so check your regional education department's calendar for the current school year.

What if one of you is struggling and the others are fine?

A family member who is low while the others are settled is common, and it is not a sign that the move was a mistake. Take it seriously, but don't treat it as a crisis. Listen first, lighten their load, and know where to go if it doesn't lift.

Listen first

Let them say how they feel without arguing or fixing. Don't compare them to the people who are fine ("everyone else loves it here"). Say that a hard stretch is a normal part of settling in, and that it doesn't mean they failed or that you all made the wrong choice.

Lighten their load

• Take over some household tasks and paperwork errands for a while.
• Keep routines steady: regular meals, sleep and some exercise.
• Help them build their own connections, such as a language class, a club, a sports group or an expat meet-up. Don't just pull them into the others' social circles.
• Keep up contact with friends and family back home.

Set a check-in a few weeks later, and keep it light: "How are things compared with last month?"

When to get professional help

Look for help if the low mood lasts beyond a few weeks, gets worse, or starts to affect sleep, work, school or daily life. You don't need to wait for a crisis.

Public route. Start at your local health centre (centro de salud). The family doctor (médico de cabecera), or the pediatrician for a child, assesses the problem and may offer first-stage care. If needed, they refer you to a mental health unit: the Unidad de Salud Mental for adults, or the child and youth version for children. You need a health card (tarjeta sanitaria) from your regional health service, so register for one first if you haven't. Urgent cases can be seen within days. Routine first appointments often take weeks or even months, and follow-ups with a public psychologist can be spaced several weeks apart. Waits and services differ by region, so ask your health centre what to expect locally. Care is usually in Spanish or the regional language.

Private route. English-speaking therapists are easy to find in Madrid, Barcelona, Valencia, Málaga and the Costa del Sol, Alicante, the Balearic Islands and the Canary Islands. Supply is much thinner in small towns and inland areas. Online therapy works across the whole country. Session prices vary by city, specialism and format, so ask therapists directly before you book.

If there is any risk of self-harm

Do not wait for an appointment. Call 112 or go to the nearest hospital emergency department (urgencias). The 024 line offers suicide-prevention support. Stay with the person until help arrives.

Frequently asked questions

Does everyone go through a neat honeymoon, low and recovery?

No, many people do not follow a neat curve, and adjustment is often uneven with repeated ups and downs. The common pattern is a honeymoon of a few weeks to a few months, a low around months 2 to 9, then recovery over the first year. Treat those months as a rough guide, not a deadline.

Why might my teenager struggle more than my younger child?

Teenagers often struggle more because they lose an established social network, while younger children get school structure, peers and fast language exposure. A teenager may also seem fine at first and dip later, when the novelty fades. Keep talking with them and watch for withdrawal from friends.

Which Spanish events tend to end the honeymoon?

Appointment shortages and paperwork delays, a regional language you do not speak, and shops closing at midday often end the honeymoon. The August slowdown, long summer school holidays without childcare, and cold unheated homes in winter hit many families too. Loneliness and the end of holiday-style novelty add to it.

What is normal in a child who is settling in, and what is not?

Tiredness, mood swings, clinginess, homesickness and sleep or appetite changes are normal at first. Ongoing school refusal, withdrawal from all friends, frequent unexplained stomach aches, severe anxiety or aggression need more support.