Your teenager did not want to move and what happens next

Key rules

• Resentment: Anger and withdrawal are expected and tend to peak early, so don't read them as a sign the move has failed.
• The decision: State the move as final, and be open about how it happens.
• Real choices: Offer choices you will honour, on things such as their room, activities and the language tutor.
• Settling time: Many teens settle over roughly 6 to 12 months, and some need up to two years.
• Lasting low mood: Consider counselling if low mood or withdrawal continues.

Expect resentment, and expect it early

Your teenager's anger, silence or sulking is normal. It is usually strongest before the move and in the first weeks to months after you arrive. You can hold the decision and still protect your relationship. Three things help: listening, structure and real choices.

Hold the decision, leave room for input

Say clearly that the move is final. Then show that your teen has a say in how it happens.

• Explain your reasons once, calmly and clearly.
• Listen to their objections without arguing them away. You don't have to agree with them.
• Say that the loss is real. Leaving friends, school and home is hard.
• Stay calm when they are angry. Anger is not disrespect for you. It is grief about the move.

Be clear about what is fixed

Fixed things are the move date and school attendance. Everything else you can open up. The checklist below gives concrete ways to hand over real choices, such as their room, their activities and how they stay in touch with friends. The decision box helps you sort what is fixed from what is open.

A choice only works if you will honour it. Offer two or three options you can live with, and keep your word on what they pick.

Keep structure and connection

• Keep regular one-to-one time, even if it is a walk or a meal where they barely talk.
• Keep family routines, such as shared meals, so life feels steady while everything else changes.
• Plan contact with old friends and trips home early. Agree together how they will stay in touch.

What the next months look like

Homesickness often hits once the novelty fades. Many teens settle over roughly 6 to 12 months. Some need up to two years, especially in exam years or if they struggle with the language. These are rough ranges, and every teen is different. The timeline below shows the usual stages.

If they refuse to speak Spanish

This is common. Teens often avoid it out of embarrassment, fear of mistakes, resentment, or because they can get by in English.

• Don't force it. Keep pressure low.
• Offer Spanish classes or a tutor, and let your teen help choose.
• Encourage activities where Spanish comes naturally, such as sport, music and clubs.
• Praise effort, not accuracy. Let them use games, music or shows they like in Spanish.
• Most schools give extra language support in the first months.
• In regions with a co-official language, your teen may also meet Catalan, Valencian, Galician or Basque.

Most teens start speaking within months, once they have friends who speak Spanish.

When to get help

Consider counselling if low mood or withdrawal lasts, or if your teen stops seeing anyone or doing anything. If your teen keeps refusing to engage, see the "What if" section below.

Choosing between options

Which parts of the move are fixed, and which can your teenager decide?

• Keep it fixed: The point is not negotiable, such as the move date and school attendance. State it as final, explain your reasons and acknowledge the loss as real.

• Let your teenager choose: The point can really change, such as their room, activities, the farewell event, the language tutor or how they stay in touch with friends at home.

• Decide together: You have a real choice that affects the whole family, such as the school option or neighbourhood features. Listen to your teenager's priorities and weigh them.

If you can honestly say yes to your teenager's idea, hand them the choice. If the answer is no, say so clearly and calmly, and offer a real choice on something else.

Timeline and deadlines

• Resistance is often strongest, with anger and worry about the move: before the move

• Homesickness sets in as the novelty fades: in the first weeks to months after arrival

• Many teenagers settle and make friends: roughly 6 to 12 months after arrival

• Some teenagers still need time to settle, especially in exam years or with a language struggle: up to two years after arrival

These durations are rough ranges and vary a lot from one teenager to another.

Ways to give a reluctant teenager a real say

Ways to give your teenager a real say

• Tell your teen which things are fixed, such as the move date and school attendance, and which things are open to their choice.

• Ask your teen which school option they prefer, if you have a choice between public, concertada (state-funded private) or international.

• Let your teen choose their own room and how to decorate it.

• Ask your teen which home or neighbourhood features matter most to them, and weigh them in your search.

• Invite your teen to pick the activities, sports or clubs they want to join.

• Let your teen help plan a farewell event and decide what to bring.

• Plan trips home and visits from friends together, and agree how your teen will stay in touch with friends.

• Involve your teen in choosing the language tutor or course.

• Ask your teen to help research the new city and share what they find.

• Listen to their objections without arguing them away, and keep regular one-to-one time and family routines.

What if your teenager keeps refusing to engage?

Withdrawal that lasts for months needs outside help, and you should not wait that long to ask for it. Move through three steps, and go straight to the third if the warning signs below appear.

Step 1: Change things at home (a few weeks)

Start with what you can control:

• Keep regular routines for sleep, meals and exercise.
• Help your teen build a steady social setting, such as a sports club or a hobby group.
• Arrange language support if the language is part of the problem.
• Talk often and calmly, without pushing for big conversations.

Give these changes several weeks to work. If your teen is no better, or is getting worse, go to step 2.

Step 2: Involve the school

Ask your teen's tutor for a meeting with the school counsellor (the orientador). Public schools offer this for free, and many private schools have a similar department. The counsellor can arrange language help, a mentor, support to make friends and a check for bullying. If needed, you can ask for a full assessment of your teen's needs. The counsellor is not a therapist, but can refer you on.

Resources and the process differ by region and by school, so ask the tutor what your school offers.

Step 3: Get professional help

Book an appointment with your family doctor (médico de cabecera) or paediatrician. They can refer your teen to the regional child and adolescent mental health service. You can also see a private psychologist, ideally one who speaks your teen's language. Public services mostly work in Spanish or the regional language, so English-speaking families often search for private or online therapists. Check that the psychologist is registered with the regional professional body, and ask about experience with teenagers.

Do not wait for months if you see these signs. Seek professional help if low mood, withdrawal, school refusal, or changes in sleep and eating last two weeks or more and are getting worse or disrupting school and home life. Other warning signs include hopelessness, panic attacks, unexplained physical complaints and substance use.

If you think your teen is in danger

Talk of suicide or self-harm needs help straight away. Call 112 or the 024 line. Signs include cuts or burns, hiding the body, talk of death or being a burden, giving away belongings, and searching for methods. Teens can also call the ANAR helpline on 900 20 20 10 for support.

Frequently asked questions

How long does it take a teenager to settle after moving abroad?

Many teenagers settle within roughly 6 to 12 months, and some need up to two years. Resistance is often strongest before the move and in the first weeks to months after arrival. Exam years or difficulty with the language can make it take longer.

Is it normal for my teenager to refuse to speak Spanish?

Yes, it is common for a teenager to refuse to speak Spanish, often from embarrassment, fear of mistakes or resentment of the move. Do not force it. Offer classes or a tutor, praise effort, and encourage sport, music or clubs where Spanish comes up naturally.

What can I do if my teenager stays angry about the move?

Stay calm about the anger and keep regular one-to-one time and family routines. Listen to the objections without arguing them away, and plan contact with old friends and visits home.