One of you wants to go home and the other does not

Key rules

• No ultimatums: Decide together using a shared process rather than ultimatums or waiting the other person out.
• Trial period: A trial with review dates lets you test staying without either of you giving up for good.
• Check first: Check your lease, school and permit rules before you commit to leaving or staying.

Settle it with a shared process, not by wearing each other down

Do not try to win by ultimatum or by waiting the other person out. That usually leaves one of you resentful whichever way it goes. Use a structure you both agree to, and decide together. The decision tool below lays out your main paths.

Say what is underneath the position

"I want to go home" and "I want to stay" are positions. Underneath are needs and fears: safety, career, family, identity, the children. Each of you takes a turn to say yours, while the other only listens. Then say back what you heard.

Many stalemates ease at this point, because the real issue is often narrower than the argument. Missing ageing parents is a different problem from hating your job.

Score your criteria together

Write a list of what matters. Include things you share, such as the children's happiness and money, and things that are only yours. Score each option against the list, each of you separately, then compare. Differences in scores show you what to talk about.

Look for middle options

Between "stay forever" and "leave now" there is room:

• Go back now and move to Spain later.
• Split your time between two places.
• Choose an arrangement you can reverse if it does not work.
• Stay for a set trial period.

Agree a time-limited trial

A trial works well because neither of you is giving up for good. Agree a period, for example 12 months. Set review dates and say in advance what would count as success, such as work, friendships, money or the children settling in. At each review, say honestly how it is going.

Also agree a fairness rule for big decisions. One simple version is taking turns on whose preference wins.

If you keep getting stuck, a couples therapist or a mediator can run the conversation for you.

Check the costs before you decide

Do these checks before you commit to either path, so the decision rests on facts.

• Lease. On a main-residence lease, you can usually leave after the first six months with 30 days' written notice. The contract may require compensation of one month's rent for each remaining year. Check also your deposit, usually one month's rent, and any agency fees.
• School. Changing school mid-year is possible, but the school or regional education authority must approve a place. Public places depend on availability. Private schools may ask for notice or fees for the term.
• Residence permit. Long absences from Spain can cause a permit to lapse or not be renewed, and can affect long-term residence. Many permits are affected by more than six months away in a year. Check your own permit's rules before any long stay abroad.
• Other ties. Think about the padrón, tax residence, Seguridad Social contributions, and any property or vehicle you would need to sell.

If you decide to go back

The practical steps of leaving belong to return planning. Start there once you have agreed. The main offices are the tax agency, Seguridad Social, your town hall for the padrón, the immigration office, and your embassy or consulate. Utilities, banks and your landlord handle their own cancellations.

Stay together, stay in Spain or go back

Do you stay together in Spain, stay in Spain on your own, or go back?

• Stay together in Spain, with a trial period: You both still want the relationship, you feel safe, and the reasons for the move still hold for at least one of you. Agree a review date, for example after 12 months, with clear criteria.

• Go back together: You both want to keep the relationship but the move is not working: work, income, health, language or support do not add up. Check first what undoing it costs: your lease (after the first six months you can leave with 30 days' written notice, but the contract may require compensation of one month's rent per remaining year), the school year, and any residence permit that may lapse after long absences.

• Stay in Spain and separate: The relationship has ended but one or both of you want to stay. If you hold a permit that depends on your partner, ask about an independent route before it lapses: an independent permit for a reunited spouse, arraigo (a residence route based on ties to Spain), or a permit for victims of gender violence. Partners of EU citizens may keep residence after divorce in some cases.

• One of you goes back, for now: You want to stay together but need time apart, or children and work tie one of you here. Agree how long, how you will stay in touch, and what would bring you back together.

Each of you scores separately, then you compare. The criteria are: the state of the relationship (commitment, safety, willingness to work on it); why each of you wanted the move and whether that reason still holds; the children's wellbeing and schooling; work and income; money and cost of living; residence permit position and whether one of you depends on the other's permit; health and language; friends, family and support; and housing and commitments. Then ask how easy each option is to reverse, and prefer the one you can undo. If you cannot agree, get help from a counsellor or mediator. If you fear your partner or feel controlled, call 016 (free, confidential, open 24 hours, many languages), or 112 in an emergency.

Timeline and deadlines

• Each of you states your needs and fears, and you agree a trial with review dates: before you decide anything

• Stay for a trial period, reviewing on the dates you set: for a set period such as 12 months

• Give written notice to your landlord: 30 days before you leave

• Check how long you can be away without affecting your permit: before any time abroad of around six months or more in a year

Documents you need

• Your lease contract, to check the notice period, any compensation clause, the deposit (usually one month's rent) and any agency fees.

• Your residence permit documents, to check the absence rules and renewal date before any time away from Spain.

• Your school enrolment or private school contract, if you have children, to check notice and fee terms.

Check your lease and permit conditions, as they vary between contracts and permit types.

Checklist

• Tell each other your underlying needs and fears, such as safety, career, family, identity or the children, not just where you want to live.

• List your shared and separate criteria and score them together.

• Explore middle options, such as returning now and moving later, split time, or a reversible arrangement.

• Agree a time-limited trial with review dates and conditions, and take turns on whose preference wins big decisions.

• Read your lease for the notice period, compensation clause, deposit and agency fees.

• Ask the immigration office (Oficina de Extranjería or Policía Nacional) how absence affects your permit.

• Ask the tax agency, Seguridad Social and your town hall about tax residence, contribution records and padrón deregistration before you leave.

• Ask your embassy or consulate in Spain and your home government's pages about tax, health cover and schooling on return.

Frequently asked questions

Can we agree to stay for a set time and then decide again?

Yes, you can agree a time-limited trial, such as staying 12 months, as long as you set review dates and conditions at the start. Write down what would make each of you happy to stay or to leave when the date comes.

Can I leave my rental if my partner and I decide to go home?

Yes, on a main-residence lease you may leave after the first six months by giving 30 days' written notice. The contract can require compensation of one month's rent per remaining year if it was agreed, so read that clause first.

Does leaving Spain for a while affect my residence permit?

Yes, long absences can affect a permit: for many permits, more than six months away in a year can put it at risk. A long absence also affects long-term residence and later renewal, so check your permit's rules with the immigration office before a trial period abroad.