One sibling thrives and another struggles after the move

Key rules

• Individual pace: Judge each child by their own progress, never by a brother's or sister's.
• Fair, not identical: Fairness means meeting each child's needs, so extra help for one child is not favouritism.
• Teenagers: Teenagers often find the move hardest because of friendships, identity and school demands.
• Support in Spain: School guidance teams and public child mental health teams can assess a struggling child.

One child struggling is not a verdict on the move

Siblings adjust differently, and that is normal. One child struggling does not mean the move was a mistake, and one child thriving does not mean the others should be fine. Treat each child at their own pace.

Why siblings differ

Several things shape how a child copes:

• Age and stage. Young children usually pick up Spanish and make friends quickly, though they may regress. Primary-age children lean on routines and friends. Teenagers have the strongest ties to friends back home, more identity worries and a harder school and language challenge, so they often struggle most.
• Temperament. Shy or outgoing, flexible or anxious: personality changes how a child meets a new place.
• Past moves. A child who has moved before often copes differently from one who has not.
• Easy ways in. Sport, music or another interest gives some children quick friendships.
• School fit. The class and the teacher matter a lot.
• Having a say. A child who felt heard before the move usually accepts it more easily.

Treating each child fairly

Fair does not mean identical. It means meeting each child's needs.

• Give each child regular one-to-one time.
• Praise effort, not results.
• Do not compare them, and avoid fixed roles such as "the clever one".
• Celebrate each child's strengths.
• Keep rules, chores and privileges consistent for each age.
• Share family attention and resources, so the struggling child is not the only focus.
• Explain openly why one child gets extra help, such as tutoring or learning support. Children usually accept it when they hear that everyone gets what they need.

Time and support

Settling takes time, and the timing differs from child to child. Most children settle emotionally within 3 to 6 months of the move, and a full sense of belonging often takes 6 to 12 months. The timeline below shows what to expect at each age and when to ask for help.

In Spain, the school's guidance department (orientación) can assess a struggling child. The public health service also has child mental health teams. You can ask the school about support plans for children with specific educational needs.

Timeline and deadlines

• Toddlers may regress with clinginess, sleep changes, toilet accidents and tantrums, which is normal: for the first few weeks after the move

• Primary-age children often settle after sadness, irritability, school reluctance or worry: within a few months of the move

• Most children settle emotionally: 3 to 6 months after the move

• See the pediatra or a child psychologist, and talk to the school counsellor (orientador), if a reaction lasts or gets worse: if it lasts beyond three to six months or worsens

What to watch out for

• Reading one child's struggle as a verdict on the move: One child struggling can make the whole move feel like a mistake, but siblings adjust differently because of age, stage and temperament. Look at each child on their own terms and avoid comparing them. Give each child their own pace.

• Comparing siblings or giving them fixed roles: Comparing children, or calling one 'the clever one' or 'the difficult one', can make the struggling child feel worse and the thriving child feel pressured. Praise effort rather than results, celebrate each child's strengths and give each child regular one-to-one time.

• Making the struggling child the only focus: If all the family's attention goes to the child who is struggling, the child who is thriving may feel overlooked and resentful. Share family attention and resources, explain openly why one child gets extra help, and keep rules and chores consistent for each age.

• Waiting too long when a reaction does not ease: Persistent low mood, loss of interest in everything, long school refusal, severe anxiety or panic, major sleep or eating problems or aggression are signs a child needs more than time. Consult the pediatra or a child psychologist and talk to the school counsellor (orientador). Any talk of self-harm needs urgent help the same day: call 112 in an emergency.

Frequently asked questions

Does one child struggling mean the move was a mistake?

No, one child struggling does not mean the move was wrong for your family. Age, stage and temperament shape how each child copes, so treat each child individually and look at your struggling child's own pace, not at how their sibling is doing.

Which child is most likely to struggle after the move?

Teenagers often struggle most, because their friendships and identity matter so much and the school and language challenge is harder. Young children usually pick up Spanish and make friends quickly, though they may regress. Shy or anxious children and children who had little say in the move can also find it harder.

How do I explain why one child gets extra help?

Explain openly that fairness means meeting each child's needs, not treating everyone identically. Say that the child who is getting tutoring or other support is getting what they need now, and that each of your children would get the same if they needed it. Keep chores and privileges consistent for their ages.